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By:
Chris Carpenter
Boner alert: Scientists/bloggers at NaturalNews recently compiled a list of sensual aphrodisiac foods that are said to improve your sex life. Surprisingly, our date night go-tos – Cheetos and Red Bull – didn’t make the list. Which is weird, because we always score, although admittedly our dates are usually NASCAR fans who burp a lot. NaturalNews indicated that oysters, bananas, chocolate, and truffles contain either amino acids, vitamins, enzymes, or scents that may help desperate dudes get lucky, but while having a fridge-full of sensual foods may help a batter round the bases to home, each aforementioned piece of produce has the potential to ruin a night of fun and fornication, big time.
Bananas: Bee Attack Swarm Attractor
Bananas are loaded with potassium, which help your bulging muscles – yes, all of them – function properly, so a tantalizing tryst enhanced by the jungle’s most decadent fruit may lead to a chest pounding-worthy experience. The phallic fruit increases sex drive because it contains enzymes and vitamins that are linked to temporarily curing impotence in men,
and producing natural lubricants for the ladies. Sound the alarm, tidal wave! But hold onto your rope, Tarzan – before you consider enticing your boo with a bushel of bananas, remember that an evening of fruit-induced fornication contains a potentially bizarre and horrifying scenario.
According to many distinguished beekeepers, the scent of a banana is said to closely mimic the odor of alarm pheromones in bees, which are released when a bee jabs its prickly butt-stinger into a defenseless spring flower-loving shmuck. Nearby bees instantly detect the scent and will swarm to the scene to orchestrate a full-blown flesh attack. Remember what happened to Macaulay Culkin in My Girl? Well, that can happen to you too – only you’ll be naked and in the middle of desperately trying to replay an entire baseball game in your head. The only queen bee you should be making full-body contact with is your date, so if you’re hoping to get sweaty on your Sealy Posturepedic without the interruption of an inconvenient bee invasion, avoid chomping on a banana within the vicinity of your scheduled romp time.
Oysters: Drug-Induced Blindness
It’s true – despite looking, feeling, and, indeed, tasting like King Triton’s morning throat-clear, oysters are scientifically proven to make people super horny. The shellfish contains high levels of amino acids – the kind that give the ol’ libido a jumpstart. They’re probably the only reason Randy Jackson gets laid. So, time to start guzzling some oyster flesh, right, cowboy? Hold up. Thanks to one enterprising but horribly misguided Australian oyster farmer, some oysters may be filled with a potent surprise, and sliding one of these slippery suckers down your throat could potentially ruin a cuddle session with a late-night snuggler.
You see, oysters are filter-feeders that chow down on a spread similar to an Applebee’s dinner menu: Plankton, animal waste, decayed plants, and any other particles that get trapped in the mucus of their gills. The randy blunderer from down under laced his oysters’ tank with crushed up Viagra pills and, thus, created the “ultimate aphrodisiac” for horny hopefuls everywhere. But that just sounds like a guaranteed double whammy, right? Nope. The consumption of these drugged-out mollusks can lead to instant game killers, like: Urinary tract infections, loss of vision, and everyone’s favorite ailment, rectal hemorrhages. Sexy time! The good news is, most oysters won’t have this issue. The bad news is, raw seafood is one very likely way of getting puke-your-guts-out-your-ass food poisoning anyway, so unless you know you’re getting your oysters from a very reputable source, you should probably stick to shrimp cocktail.
Chocolate: Uncontrollable Poop Inducer
It’s a fact: ladies la-huuuv chocolate! Because chocolate increases levels of serotonin in their brains, it makes them feel super playful (if you know a girl, talk to her about her brain and serotonin level. She’ll think you’re an extremely intelligent doctor). Adding chocolate into your bag of bedtime tricks is a great way to incentivize your companion. Like, “Oh, hey – I have a lot of delicious chocolate in my bedroom. Would you like to join me there to eat some and rub the rest on each other’s bodies and possibly the carpet?” That line probably totally works. Chocolate also adds fun to fondling because when it’s consumed, it increases blood circulation to the body’s naughty parts and strengthens the heart, which fuels your sexual endurance (go tiger!).
If you’re a gentleman, you might assume that purchasing sugar-free chocolate will make your lady feel less guilty about snacking down those sexual calories. But boys beware: Sugar-free chocolates are loaded with artificial sweeteners which are known to have major laxative effects. Attempting to be cute and spare calories could send your lady’s naked ass straight to the can, forcing you lay alone in your bed to harken an earful of her booming – yet sugar-free – bowel movements. Of course, if that’s your thing, then you go right ahead. Also: Never talk to us again.
Truffles
Truffles sprout to life with immediate allure because they’re crazy expensive and extremely scarce. Which means your girlfriend will want one…like, just because! Due to their rarity, they’re considered one of the most prized ingredients in the culinary world. Vixens of the kitchen – Giada De Laurentiis, Padma Lakshmi, Paula Deen – are all fiends for the sensual fungi. The musky scent of truffles is said to replicate the scent of the male pheromone androstenone, so if your bedtime boo enjoys the smell of dudes or AXE body spray, a truffle will make her (nose) drip in ecstasy. The upscale mold is proven to boost the libido, making them totally worth their reasonable $3,600 per pound price tag.
However, if sourcing a truffle online, any silly goose may mistakenly purchase a magic truffle. Magic truffles are psychedelics and produce psilocybes, psilocin, and psilocybin, AKA chemicals that will make you trip your fucking balls off. When digesting a magic truffle, one may experience the same reactions that occur when staring at a Kardashian’s Twitpic for too long: hallucinations, changes in perception, puking, and panic attacks. Unless you’re courting Courtney Love, hallucinations and puke will certainly put the kibosh on your sensual slumber party. The dangers that lurk in aphrodisiac foods are simply too frightening to bear – instead, woo your honey with a decadent sandwich from 7-Eleven. Nothing says, “Let’s get intimate” like a lukewarm three-day-old BLT.
all images: shutterstock
