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HERE’S EXACTLY HOW MUCH SEX YOU SHOULD HAVE, ACCORDING TO YOUR AGE

According to a new study from the Kinsey Institute, age definitely influences how much sex you have, but that’s not all that surprising, is it?

I mean, you can’t expect an 80-year old man to have the stamina and libido of a 20-something. It can definitely happen, but I doubt it’s common.

old man

Apparently, the younger crowd, between the ages of 18 and 29, have more sex than everybody else, with an average of 112 times per year, or about two times a week. Good for you, young people. Live it the fuck up.

youths

Those stats start to decline once you hit 30, and it was found that people between the ages of 30 and 39 get it on about 86 times a year, which equals about one romp per week, with an extra nookie or two on holidays.

Those who had the least amount of sex were 40 to 49-year olds, who only managed to boink 69 (haha) times a year. It’s blindingly obvious that the main takeaway of the study is that the older you get, the less sex you have, which is disappointing.

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But let me just say this: it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s up to you to keep your sex life just as fiery and dynamic as a 23-year old’s.

Anyway, while the researchers didn’t study any ages older than 50, I’m going to go ahead and assume that it only gets worse and the numbers dwindle even more. Womp womp. So sad.

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However, the study managed to find a loophole in those numbers: 34 percent of married couples across all ages said they have sex two to three times a week, which is about as often as the 20-somethings.

Unfortunately, though, the majority of married couples only have sex a few times a month, and 13 percent only bang a few times a year. Oh, my God. I’m so sorry for those people.

Going back to the thing about age, the study discovered that the reason for the lack of sex as people get older isn’t because they’re not horny anymore.

Instead, it’s because of arthritis, and emphysema, and grandkids, and all the other ailments and life circumstances old people tend to have. In other words, life cockblocks them.

How can she give her man a naughty squeeze if she can't even spray Windex without her carpal tunnel acting up?

How can she give her man a naughty squeeze if she can’t even spray Windex without her carpal tunnel acting up?

I do have some good news, though. Even though older people have sex less often, the sex is way, way better than any young person could ever hope to have, so there’s that.

According to a survey commissioned by a contraceptive app, Natural Cycles, it was found that women aged 36 and older had the best and most frequent orgasms, relative to younger women in their 20s and early 30s.

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As for men, I don’t have any hard evidence that sex gets better with age even though the frequency dwindles, but I’m sure you know what’s up from personal experience.

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